A Fence Against The World (K.Blais)

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about fences lately. This could be because now that it seems like spring has finally arrived I am planning my garden and am seriously considering putting a fence around it. I love the wildlife we have around our home, I just don’t think they need to eat my hard work.

I have researched a few fences, spent a little (ok, a lot) of time on Pinterest, and considered the functionality of a good fence. This one is a personal favourite:

(photo courtesy of http://www.mygardenstories.blogspot.com)

A thought occurred to me: Fences keep things out, but they also work to keep things in.

Ok, it’s not exactly rocket science, nor is it an overwhelmingly deep thought, this I know. But that one idea started a thought process: Some people build emotional walls to protect themselves. I wondered if maybe an emotional fence might work just as well.

A fence is a freestanding structure designed to restrict or prevent movement across a boundary. Fences differ from walls because of the lightness of their construction and their purpose. Walls are usually barriers made from solid brick or concrete, blocking vision as well as passage, while fences are used more frequently to provide visual sectioning of spaces (information courtesy of wikipedia.com).

A fence is a form of a boundary. It is commonly accepted that a fence usually means do not enter without permission. Important things are fenced in for the protection of themselves or for the protection of others. Most often times a fence will have a gate to allow entrance, and maybe even a lock.

Fences work to keep things out. Wild animals, predators, hungry deer, rabbits, and critters who like to munch on garden goodies are often deterred by a fence. A fence offers some protection to the things which it surrounds. A fence can often still allow a line of sight, but meanwhile still draws a line of privacy.

Fences work to keep things in. Pets, yards, even small children are often fenced in. Fences work to protect the things inside of them, but also to the things outside of them. Dangerous animals and situations are often placed in a fenced in area in order to protect others from them on the outside of the fence.

An emotional fence is really no different. This type of fence surrounds the person and offers protection and security for them against other people’s opinions, judgments, biases, perceptions, and actions. It can offer the individual a way to place a boundary line between that person and other people or situations which may have caused them pain, hurt, or betrayal in the past, or which is believed might happen again in the future.

An emotional fence can also work the other way as well. An individual may choose to put up an emotional fence in an attempt to segregate himself from others. He may not be happy within himself and may not want to subject anyone else to his negativity. An individual may also feel that it is better to be “fenced off” from others, especially if he is struggling with his own issues.

Some don’t believe in putting up emotional walls, and so I’m not so sure fences will be readily accepted by those people either. I once told a friend that I saw the value of putting up walls as a way of protecting myself from getting hurt, especially from people who may have hurt me before. The wall offers protection from letting the person who caused the hurt to get too close again, it demands that they keep a respectable distance, and allows for the seclusion needed to find peace and healing within oneself. Perhaps the fence could be considered the happy medium. Conversation can still occur over and through a fence. A fence can have a gate to allow others in. A fence can even be taken down without others ever even knowing that one had been there in the first place.

The reality is that emotional walls and fences can be necessary in dealing with the world and its events. One doesn’t have to look too far to see the evil, the pain, and the torment which humanity inflicts on its own. Bombs, terrorist attacks, and senseless killings rock our world continuously. There seems to be no reason for the attacks on innocent people, some children, like those affected by the recent bombings at the Boston Marathon. Bullying still prevails even though we have educated, documented, and reported continuously. Many are determined to fill this world with hurt and sadness. I don’t know why this is – I just know that it isn’t right.

John Locke said, “The only fence against the world is a thorough knowledge of it.”

So until (read: even if ever) a thorough knowledge of the world and the people in it is obtained, I don’t think a fence is a totally bad idea. If an emotional fence offers you some protection from the hurt and pain that faces you on a regular basis, then I say there is nothing wrong with putting one up. If you need time behind that fence to regroup, rethink, and reevaluate others and the world as you perceive them, then take that time. There is nothing wrong with fencing yourself off from others who may continue to hurt you for whatever reason. There is no harm in giving yourself space, creating a boundary, and even protecting yourself from others. Just make sure that those who truly love and want the best for you know how to get through the gate.

(photo courtesy of www.ideaspectrum.com)

(Dear Readers, Thank you for your feedback, support, follows, likes, shares, and comments! Please follow me on Twitter @kim_blais and don’t forget to check out our Facebook page Writing For The Love of It. Love, ~ K ~)

The Power of Forgiveness (K.Blais)

Insulted. Attacked. Belittled. Taken for granted.

We have all been there at one time, in one way or another. How do you handle a situation when you or someone you love has been hurt, betrayed, or abused? Once we get over our initial anger and frustration, we know that we must forgive in order to heal and move forward ourselves. But, that is not always an easy task. Many professionals have theories and techniques in dealing with forgiveness, and while I am by no means a professional in this field, I do believe that forgiveness has three basic steps. It’s not a simple process, by any means, and one that does require time. (Please note: Some situations may require a professional’s help in working through. I am a strong believer and advocate for counseling and therapy. There is no weakness in asking for help.)

Forgive others.

This is not an easy task, especially if we have been wronged in a way that hurts us greatly. Forgiving is not forgetting or pretending that it didn’t happen. The truth is that it did happen and we must learn from the experience without holding onto the pain.

Forgiving is not excusing the behaviour, or allowing others to make excuses for themselves. Only someone who is not to blame is excused. We forgive when a wrong has been committed.

Forgiveness is not giving others permission to continue their hurtful behaviours towards us; nor is it about condoning the behaviour in the past or in the future. It is about letting others know that this type of behaviour is not acceptable, but has been forgiven.

Forgiving others is not about admitting weakness in oneself. It’s about showing your own personal strength in realizing that other people make mistakes and need forgiveness.

Forgive yourself.

Sometimes the hardest part on the road of forgiveness is forgiving yourself for being hurt; for allowing others to hurt you. You may feel angry and betrayed with yourself for permitting the situation or hurt to take place. At times, the biggest betrayal may be in feeling that you have let yourself down in not standing up for yourself, in not stopping the behavior earlier, and in even not recognizing the warning signs in order to prevent the hurt from happening in the first place. This may even be especially difficult when the hurt has been part of a repetitive cycle. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself: but we shouldn’t be harder on ourselves than we would be on anyone else.

Move on.

Reconciliation may come with forgiveness, and it may not. The decision to reconcile with the person we are forgiving is an individual choice. We can also choose to maintain our distance. Forgiveness is not always about forgetting. It can also be about remembering and learning from our own mistakes in the future. We have to move on in order to heal and to find peace. We can remember in order to take away something valuable from the experience and to prevent it from happening again in the future. Yes, we are taught to forgive “seventy times seven times”, but we were also given thinking minds and human will in order to do our best to learn from the experience and to prevent the situation from happening again.

This Easter weekend, remember that forgiveness began on the Cross: our best and truest example of what forgiveness is and the power it has.

We can find the power to forgive others, as well as ourselves, and we can find peace in order to move forward.

Strength. Wisdom. Compassion. Freedom.

(image courtesy of drbexl.co.uk)

(Dear Readers, Wishing you a Blessed Easter! May you always find strength, wisdom, compassion, freedom, and forgiveness in your heart. Thank you for your continued support. Yours, ~ K ~)

SIMPLIFY (K. Blais)

I spent a good part of this March Break week sorting through closets and cleaning out areas in our home. I realized in doing this (and actually, I previously clued in to the same fact when we moved this summer) that we, in general (as humans), have way too much STUFF. We have way too many material possessions. Non –materialistically, we carry around too much emotional baggage as well. There’s really just too much STUFF overall and we need to SIMPLIFY.

Personally, I have felt really bogged down lately. To be honest, some days I almost feel suffocated by the amount of “stuff” I push / carry around in a day – both physically and mentally. My American “sista” (no, she’s neither biological nor adopted, just a very close friend who is more like family), has a beautiful sign hanging in her kitchen which states one word: “SIMPLIFY”. I have always loved that sign because its one simple word says so much. I recently asked my dear friend about the sign and what it meant to her, because as much as I love words, I know that they mean different things to different people. Her response was so simple, just like the word itself. She said, “Make life simple, in everything you do!”

Thinking myself that it really seemed too easy, I questioned her – did she mean to keep things simple in what you have, in what you do, and in how you act?

Her response was yes, that was it. Her belief is that when you add more to the mix of life, then things start to become stressful and problems are created. Keeping it simple is the key to happiness.

It made absolute and perfect sense to me.

I did some thinking this week about simplicity and what it means to live a simple life. Is it a life with bare minimums, as in focusing on the three basic needs: food, clothing, and shelter, or is it more than that? Is living life simply about appreciating what you have instead of always looking for more? Is it about being satisfied with the grass roots, back-to-the-basics style of living? Is it about spending less and valuing the simple pleasures in life more?

As I worked through my week organizing closets and storage areas, mainly kids’ toys, I realized that we didn’t need to spend money on making life any more complicated. My kids don’t need any more toys, and I don’t need to be doing any more sorting or organizing than I already have to do.

Moving on to my own closet, I realized once again that less is more. I had donated quite a few clothing items last summer before we moved, but still my closet overflows. I do not need to be spending any more money on clothes until the ones I have are worn out (in some cases worn for the first time – yikes!) or I’m completely tired of wearing them – (I’m not that far off with my winter wardrobe, but thankfully spring is just around the corner!)

My storage closet on the second floor contains extra winter wear and coats, sweaters, and footwear for all seasons. While there isn’t a whole lot I can do about the necessary four seasons wear for a family of four, there is something to be said about exactly how many coats, boots, shoes, etc we all need. I mean, we can only wear one pair at a time. And we only have two feet. No more money needs to be spent on outer wear until the kids grow out of theirs.

My storage space beneath the stairs contains the overflow of items that haven’t found a place yet in the kitchen or in my office area. It’s a work in progress but I already know that there is more than what we need for a simple life in there.

I’ve saved the best for last: the garage. We have this huge garage (measurements: 30 X 60 feet) and it’s pretty much overtaken by the many things that didn’t make it into our house (as well as the normal garage items, to be fair). The goal for this March break was to organize the garage and build a loft for storage, but that is still a work-in-progress. We are still working on clearing out many unneeded items from in there and I may hear a garage sale calling us in the spring. Truth be told, the garage is the epitome of the many things that one does not really need in life, but things that one has just in case they’re needed. We definitely need to simplify in there, but we’re working on it.

As for the emotional baggage that I might strive to simplify, I’m working on it also. I have this visualization technique which I have begun to use. Actually, it’s quite simple as well: I picture myself as a duck.

(Photo courtesy of petersonlive.com)

(Ok, probably not the most flattering animal I could’ve chosen, but I picked it for a reason.) In my mind I see myself as a duck, swimming around in a big pond, minding my own business and taking care of my own family (my ducklings). I visualize myself in a pond with lots of other ducks who I nod and smile at, but I really don’t let the quacking of those other ducks affect me. The saying ‘water off a duck’s back’ applies to me here. I let the emotional baggage and the extras of life wash off my back just like a duck’s feathers do not allow the water to permeate them. Simplifying my life means I will not allow the downloading of unnecessary issues or concerns of trivial items to be put onto me. I will simply let things go and not allow ‘quacking’ and complexity to unnecessarily occupy space in my mind.

The word SIMPLIFY is a simple word, but it really has a larger meaning. Truthfully and plainly put it means to live life simply in everything you do, but it also means individual things to individual people. It may mean not buying more than what you currently need. It can mean to live life in a simple way, working hard and enjoying the basics of life such as growing your own food, ‘going green’, and using resources wisely. It can mean to not allow yourself to be overburdened by the concerns and issues not directly related to you or necessary to the daily functioning of your life. It may even mean putting aside electronic devices for a while and allowing yourself time to think, to breathe, and to simply be free from distraction. It may be not allowing others to affect you or your thinking in the same way anymore. Putting aside other people’s negativity and possibly their reluctance to change or to alter their patterns can be a way of bringing simplicity into your own life. Surround yourself with those who have similar beliefs, values, and goals and you may just find that simplifying your life is an even easier task.

Life can be what you make it, as complicated or as simple as you choose it to be.

I choose to SIMPLIFY.

(Dear Readers, Thank you for taking the time to read ‘me’ – I hope this blog helps you to simplify something in your life as well. Yours in simplicity ~ K ~)

 

Another View From A Glass House : Breaking Patterns and Keeping It Real (K.Blais)

A pattern is a pattern is a pattern is a pattern…

Last week I shared with you, dear readers, the view from a glass house in a hypocritical world, and yes, maybe I went on a bit of a rant. I’ve done a lot of thinking and re-thinking about patterns of behaviour this past week, and I think I’ve come up with a 5-step process for identifying patterns and activating change. (Once again, I’m not sitting in an Ivory Tower here as I’m actually quite afraid of heights. I’m not on any pedestal either – I’ve never been accused of being delicate. Nor am I throwing stones as I prefer to throw words around, in all honesty. This is simply yet another view from a glass house and I’m just Keeping It Real, again.)

Here are my thoughts:

Step 1 : Identify the Pattern and Its Roots.

Is the pattern positive or negative?
If it’s a positive behavioural pattern – does it improve my life and benefit me and my loved ones? If yes, then I should continue the pattern of behaviour, keeping in mind that if it ever becomes negative then I need to follow the next substeps.

If the pattern is negative – is it interfering with relationships I have with others, my happiness, or my self-confidence? Do I find myself in similar situations as I continue throughout my life? Do I often feel frustrated with “the cards dealt to me”? Do I often feel life is unfair? Do I continue to make decisions quickly (without much thought) simply because that’s the easiest route?

I need to examine where the pattern originates from. Is it rooted internally – in my own desires? Or does it have external motives – am I behaving in such a way to please or impress others, to upset others or to keep them from being upset with me, or for some other external reason? Knowing where my pattern originates from will help me begin to follow Step 2.

Step 2 : Walk Away From Wallowing

I’ve acknowledged the negative pattern and identified its root, now I need to move on and walk away from wallowing in self-pity. I need to let things rest. Sometimes I might be tempted to fixate on the small stuff because it’s easier to deal with than the larger issues. I may overanalyze and stew on the little things instead of tackling the bigger issues. There is some comfort in wallowing, especially if the wallowing is itself part of my pattern. I need to step out of the “wallow comfort zone” and realize that all actions have consequences; if I’ve made bad choices then I need to acknowledge those bad choices and move on with the intention of choosing more wisely next time. Two of the most powerful words are “I am”, because what you put after them shapes your future (I borrowed that from somewhere…). What I think, I am. I will not feel sorry for myself – I will suck it up, re-direct my energy, and move forward to Step 3.

Step 3 : Focus On Today

Acknowledge the past and move forward. I can’t change the past – what’s done is done. I can apologize, if necessary, and make amends, but I can’t change the events that have taken place. If I am stressed about something that has happened, I need to give it a reasonable amount of “air time” and then move on. I need to leave the past in the past, along with its stress and negativities. When I acknowledge my own feelings and then move forward, I am able to keep my next steps clear in my mind. My mind will not be cluttered with garbage from yesterday. I will forgive myself or others for yesterday, but today I will remember in order to learn from my mistakes.

Step 4 : Learn New Tricks

“I’m too old to change.”
“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”

HOGWASH! I CAN train myself to break out of my old habits and patterns. I CAN make conscious decisions that won’t lead to broken promises and continuous lamentations about life gone wrong. I CAN improve my lifestyle, win back my integrity, and earn back the respect (self and from others) that I deserve. I CAN initiate change. All that is required of me is AMBITION and the DESIRE TO CHANGE.

Step 5 : Shut Up and Just Do It

Talk is cheap. I can talk about it all I want, but if I make no moves and no efforts to actually initiate the change in my behaviour patterns then that’s all I am – one cheap talker. If I make more false promises and continue my lamentations, then no one is going to believe my intentions were honourable to begin with. I can’t be lazy about change. I deserve more than that. But, if I fall down and acknowledge my fall, I CAN get back up again. At this point, I need to stop talking about how I want to change, and work towards the actual change itself. I just need to take the first step.

No one ever said change would be easy. Breaking patterns of behaviour which have been years in the making is no small task. In fact, it’s probably going to be hard – most things that are worth it, are. Some behaviour patterns have been with us since a very young age and may be ingrained in us quite deeply. I firmly believe, though, that behaviours can be modified, that patterns can change their direction, and that new roads can be taken no matter which path has been chosen.

Robert Frost said in his poem “The Road Not Taken” :

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Let’s not waste time or energy in regretting choices made. Let’s not look back and attribute blame to the events in our lives or make more meaning of things than they deserve. The easy road is not always the best road. Change takes time, patterns can be broken, and anything is possible as long as you believe that it is.

At least that’s the view from this glass house.

(Dear Readers, Thank you again and again and again for your reads, comments, likes, and shares! We now have 16 different countries reading Writing For The Love Of It! Please don’t forget to like our Facebook page, Writing For The Love of It. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Love, ~ K ~ )

The View From A Glass House… Keeping It Real In A Hypocritical World (K.Blais)

hypoocrisy – (n) behaviour in which a person pretends to have higher standards than is the case.

hypocrite – (n) a person who pretends to have higher standards than is the case.

irony – (n) a situation that appears to be the opposite to what is expected.

ironic – (adj) happening in the opposite way to what is expected.
(Oxford Dictionary of Current ENGLISH, 4th Ed., 2006)

I’ve spent much of this week feeling angry and frustrated with a world that says one thing and does another. I have, at times, wanted to bang my head against a wall. My normally compassionate personality has been tested and tried.

Maybe you can relate…

The world: “Hey kiddo, I’ll be there for you. I’ll lift you up. I’ll bring you sunshine when skies are gray.”
Me: “Oh, great! Here’s the thing, I -”
The world: “Sorry, I’m too busy right now. Maybe later.”

So, seriously, has the world become one big hypocritical mess? Or am I way off the mark? Isn’t it ironic that a world in which we spend a huge amount of time helping and being there for others will fail to do the same in return? Where did honouring one’s word disappear to? Has technology and social media held us less accountable for what we say and do?

First off, let me say that this blog fits under the category of Keeping It Real, and that’s exactly what I intend to do. There will be no mincing words here. (Hang on, this could be an interesting ride.) Secondly, I’ll be perfectly honest as usual. I am NOT sitting on a pedestal here, looking down from my Ivory Tower, and pointing fingers. This blog is just as much about ME as it is about anybody. Most of us know the saying, “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” While I have tried to always keep in mind this proverb which warns against hypocrisy, I know that on many occasions I have fallen short. So, trust me, I’m not throwing any stones; I’d like to think of it more as tossing a few pebbles at an open window.

The reality is that we all get busy and we do “drop the ball” on things from time to time. It’s what makes us human. What is especially frustrating are a series of broken promises and repeated lamentations. Some of us spend hours promising things that we never come good on and lamenting over issues in our lives, but we do nothing to break the patterns that we have created. I realize that pattern breaking is not always easy and, yes, our intentions can be good and things “just happen” and can get in the way of keeping our word. But when broken promises and lamentations start to affect how we handle relationships and friendships, and when people get hurt, that’s when problems can occur.

Lamenting our past mistakes, yet continuing in the same direction, even advancing towards them and with them “hand-in-hand” so-to-speak, can be seen as hypocritical but it also creates a form of irony. It’s ironic when we make claims to wanting to break free from a pattern and to initiate change, yet we create situations which just further, even nourish, the pattern development. Perhaps, we lack the ambition to actually jumpstart change. We may even lack the confidence to move forward.

Another reality is that we live in a society of instant gratification. Text messaging, social media, even email, can give us an immediate outlet and an equally immediate reaction. What we must be cautious of is “thinking before we speak” (or type). We can become perceived as hypocritical when we make public statements that we don’t live up to and things can quickly turn ironic when we find ourselves in situations that we said we would never allow to happen, even situations that we have reviled (maybe even thrown stones at?) in other people’s lives.

Now some of us may question ourselves on hypocrisy and claim that we are “fence sitters”, but I prefer to think of it as “being able to see things from different perspectives”. Some of us can see different sides to different issues and can relate accordingly. I think that this is actually a very great quality to have. It is termed as empathy when we can recognize emotions that are being experienced by someone else. Empathy leads to compassion. Compassion leads to love and understanding, which I believe should be our human goals here on earth. Being able to view and understand things from different perspectives can allow us broaden our horizons and to keep our minds open to other realms of thinking. Empathy is different from hypocrisy.

In pondering all of this and, yes, even doing some of my own lamenting, I started thinking about ways to avoid being hypocritical. (I sincerely believe that these ideas are actually a good start to holding myself accountable for my own words and, consequently, my own actions.)

Here’s my short list:

1) Don’t make promises you can’t (or don’t plan to) keep.
Do what you say you will, even if it means inconveniencing yourself. Your word is your bond. (Well, at least it used to be in the ‘good old days’.) Your integrity comes clearly under inspection here. If you don’t do what you say you will (repeatedly, forming a pattern), most often your integrity will be called into question. Lack of integrity also means that your trustworthiness will doubted as well.

2) Less is More.
Say less. Surprise people by doing more. Enough said.

3) Silence speaks volumes.
Sometimes the best way to respond is not to respond at all. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. (I just typed that in my momma’s voice — she’s one smart lady!) Likewise, if you don’t think you will be able to do it, don’t offer to. (See #1 also).

4) Words can never be taken back, only forgiven (if you’re lucky). Use them wisely.
Once said, even written, words cannot be taken back. Choose your words wisely because they represent you. If your words are false promises and hypocritical statements that’s most likely the way you will be viewed also. (See #1).

5) Let it sort.
Trust that things will sort out the way they are supposed to. Sometimes we just need to sit back, think, and allow our thoughts to settle before we can see a clear picture of how to proceed. I believe that things happen for a reason and God always knows what’s best.

So, my final thoughts:

In a world where time is precious and life seems too short, can we really afford to be hypocritical? Can we afford to jeopardize our integrity with false promises? Can we remain stuck in patterns (maybe even destructive ones), lamenting our situations simply because it’s “comfortable” or because we lack the ambition to change? Can we see past the irony of this hypocritical world?

I believe that we simply can’t put a price on our integrity. Our trustworthiness is not easily reinstated. Our compassion and respect for one another must be a priority.

At least that’s the view from this glass house.

(Dear Readers, Thank you again and again for your continued reads, likes, comments, and shares. Please remember to like our page on facebook, Writing For The Love of It. We still hope to achieve our challenge of 250 likes by the end of January! Yours sincerely, ~ K ~)

All That Glitters : Standing On The Edge of “More”

This week’s blog topic came to me while visiting some wonderful friends and sitting beside their beautiful fireplace on a cold winter night. It was just like a scene from a commercial: the lovely ladies relaxing on the sofa, sipping eggnog, engaged in intelligent and meaningful conversation, and the men hanging out, engaged in, well, men talk (whatever that is). My friend made the statement that went something like this (and I don’t think she’ll mind that I’m paraphrasing her), “Some people get restless when things don’t seem as shiny as they once were — that’s when the desire for “more” comes in.”

I nodded, smiling, in complete agreement, “You’re right. And that, my dear friend, will be the topic of this week’s blog.”

Sitting by the fire that winter evening, I was thankful for the simple things : friends who open their home to us, wonderful conversation, yummy beverages, tasty snacks, and laughing children. At that point in time, it was hard to imagine wanting anything more. But, my friend’s statement rings true, and I think we’ve all been there. The simple things in life are not what all the people seek, all the time. Shininess does wear off and people get bored with what they have and, consequently, they want more. The novelty, excitement, and newness of material things, relationships, and situations thins out. Many of us find ourselves left looking for “more” to replace them.

‘Tis the season: the season to be jolly, the season to be merry, the season to admire the tinsel and glitter, and the season to want more.

I decided to consider this realm of thought in relation to the Christmas season. In many ways, the world has lost sight of the true meaning of Christmas. Christmas has become less about Christ and more about commercialism. The season can find itself more focused on materialism instead of the birth of our Saviour. Sometimes the focus is more about gifts and receiving than it is about giving and loving others.

Gifts are wonderful, there’s no denying that. The tradition of giving gifts actually dates back to the 4th century in Turkey with Saint Nicholas, a Christian Bishop, who was known for his generousity in giving to those who were less fortunate than he was. In that time, gifts were homemade foods and sweets, oranges, handcrafted gifts (such as socks, sweaters, dresses, blankets, tables, chairs, etc.). (information courtesy of wiki.answers.com) But, even before that, the Wise Men brought gifts to celebrate the birth of Jesus.

Today, gift giving isn’t usually quite so simple. Many of us stress and struggle over what to give and whether it will be enough. Standards have been set so high in relation to what we are happy with, that many of the stresses of the season are centered around whether anything we give (or receive!) will be enough. Each day we are given many blessings. It’s a shame that, for the most part, we just don’t realize and appreciate them enough. I like to believe that in our busy and bustling society today, the greatest gift that someone can give others is their time. Time is so precious, especially to those of us who have so little of it to spare!

Sometimes we want “more” in terms of being “better than” others. We might desire things for our own reasons, but our desire for those things may be that they also place us in a better social status or position in comparison to what others have. The term “keeping up with the Joneses” comes to mind. In some cases, the search for “more” lends itself to having more than someone else does and feeling more satisfied with ourselves when we do. “More” becomes less about us and more about what we have in relation to other people.

As well, “more” can also be the desire for more in terms of the people who we are with. Some of us become dissatisfied in relationships when the newness and the excitement begins to dwindle. As soon as things begin to seem less glossy and shiny, it can be tempting to move on to bigger and brighter things, including the people in our lives. And, when things get tough, it can be even more tempting to search for those things which make the heart beat faster, cause the butterflies in the stomach feeling, and give that an adrenaline rush.

The risk we take when we stand on the edge of “more” is that “more” may never be “enough”. Our quest to keep the glitter and magical feeling of the “shiny”, the brightness of things, may never be complete. We may be standing on the threshold of basking in the radiance and gleam of that something or someone new, all the while looking to set our sights on the next lustrous and sparkly thing. It could be that it is the human condition to continuously search for “more” and “better”, but perhaps the quest is much “more” than even that.

(Dear Readers, I continue to appreciate and thank you for your support. I am so blessed to have your reads, likes, shares, and comments! Writing For The Love Of It is now read in 10 countries! Blessings Always, ~ K ~)

Battling The Green-Eyed Monster

Acknowledging Achievements, Acquisitions, and Accomplisments

in an Envious World

“It is extremely hard for some people to see others succeed.”

Like most of my blog topics, the idea for this week was born from the wonderful experience of sharing interesting thoughts with a friend. I had to agree with the comment wholeheartedly. I have seen it all too often; some human beings have a very hard time giving praise, encouragement, and even acknowledging when others have achieved, aquired, or accomplished important things in their lives. We see this even at a young age, with middle aged children, teenagers, and into adulthood. It can take the form of bullying, negative comments, talking behind someone’s back, and even silence. Why is it so hard for some of us to appreciate and admire someone else’s success?

Once again, I don’t have the one, right answer to this huge question, because I don’t really believe that there is only one. I think there are many reasons why it is hard to watch and to acknowledge when others succeed.

ENVY : one of the notorious “Seven Deadly Sins”. In the ancient Greek theory of medecine it was believed that an imbalance of certain “humours” produced one’s physical symptoms. Jealousy or envy was considered to result in an excess of bile, which would give a pale – greenish cast to the skin. In Shakespeare’s “Othello”, Iago refers to jealousy as the “green-eyed monster”, a phrase that has stuck through the centuries (information courtesy of funtrivia.com). We may feel jealous or envious that others have achieved, acquired, or accomplished the very things that we might want for ourselves. It is hard to look outside of our own little domain at times to realize how good this accomplishment, achievement, or acquisition might be to someone else’s life and to be genuinely happy for them. Most of us can agree that we have all been there, been “green with envy”, whether we want to admit it or not.

OBLIVION: forgetfulness or not even thinking about it. Some of us may just not even think of complimenting or drawing attention to someone else’s success, especially if it doesn’t affect us in a big way. Or it may appear as a fleeting thought – ‘I should say something about Jane’s promotion at work’ – but then, just as fleetingly, the thought leaves. We sometimes fail to make a conscious effort to acknowledge or remember that one thing we can say to congratulate someone on a job well done.

CHOICE / RELUCTANCE : deciding not to acknowledge or being reluctant to do so. This may be because of envy, but we may just decide not to say anything because we either don’t know what to say, we are reluctant to say anything for fear it might be the taken the “wrong” way, or we simply just choose not to say it. For some, it may the line of thought that the achiever already knows that he/she did a good job, so why state the obvious?

AMBIVALENCE: not caring (or, at least claiming not to care) or thinking someone else will do what we neglect to. Sometimes we sit back and say that we don’t care about others’ achievements, it doesn’t matter to us that someone has succeeded, and what does it really matter if we praise them anyway? Someone else will tell them that they did a good job, so we don’t have to. And, besides, if that person is encouraged they might go on to accomplishing more and more, fueling our ENVY, OBLIVION, AMBIVALENCE, etc. and creating a vicious cycle.

Harold Coffin (a former humour columnist for The Associated Press) said : “Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings, instead of your own.” I have to admit that I have been envious of others’ blessings. I have sat back and witnessed other people achieving their goals, acquiring things that I wished I could have, and even accomplishing the very things that I have set my heart on accomplishing myself. Personally, I’ve actually found it helpful to acknowledge these positive achievements when I see them happening in and to other people. It makes me feel better when I can be happy for someone else, especially when my feelings are veering dangerously close to the tinge of green: envy and jealousy. If I can re-direct the feelings of negativity into positive thoughts, the whole situation will be much more pleasant for everyone. If I can see how other people have been blessed, I will perhaps more openly notice and be aware of my own blessings.

I truly believe that there is always something positive that can be said about any person or situation, sometimes we just have to look a little more closely for it. Praise and encouragement does not take anything away from the giver, it gives to the giver and to the receiver. Watching the beginning of a grateful smile, witnessing a noticeable surge of pride across the face of the achiever, and seeing the shining eyes of someone filled with sincere self confidence are rewards that only the giver of commendation can truly appreciate. Why wouldn’t we want to help someone to feel good about themselves as they deservedly should?

We are all capable of encouraging and acknowledging the accomplishments of others. The ability to share positivity, encouragement, and praise lies within our psyche, and just like the blood that runs through our veins, it’s in us to give. We can battle the green-eyed monster and win. We are capable of acknowledging achievements, acquisitions, and accomplishments even in a world where it is often easier, and more prevalent, to envy than to praise.

(Dear Readers, A continuous thank you for your reads, likes, comments, and shares! I am extremely proud to say that Writing For The Love Of It is now read in 8 different countries! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. My love to you all! ~ K ~)

Singing Soprano in an Alto World

(Dear Readers, Thank you once again for your feedback and comments. They are a never-ending source of inspiration and motivation for me!)

How many of us have busied ourselves with the never-ending task of trying to please others?

There’s a popular saying that goes something like this : “I can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.” And then there’s : “You will never please all of the people, all of the time.” (Or even half of the people, half of the time, right?)

So, why do so many of us strive to do the impossible? Why do we try to please everyone else, usually leaving ourselves last or not figured into the equation at all?

Personally, I have realized that I am a ‘people pleaser’. I like people to feel happy and pleased with me and the decisions I make. I like to feel, and to have them feel, “comfortable”. Yes, sometimes even to the point of making sure that everyone else is comfortable, before thinking of myself.

But what happens when people aren’t pleased? What if they aren’t comfortable? What happens if I’m singing a different tune than the choir is used to? What do I do when I’m singing soprano in an alto world?

At some point, there comes a time when we need to realize that stepping out of our comfort zone may ‘displease’ people for a bit. We not only need to realize the reality of that, but we need to become ok and comfortable with it as a fact. Sometimes others are resistant to concepts that are different, things that are out of the realm of their “ordinary” and “normal”, because they don’t completely understand. They might feel like we are “rocking the boat” on them. They may have a hard time accepting that our voice is different than the one they are used to. We may, knowingly or unknowingly, be challenging them to think differently about their own ideas. We may also struggle with the box or the mold that others have placed us in, however lovingly; the idea of how they want us to be, to act, to think, to write, to sing, etc. Dealing with that struggle is part of the learning process for us and for them.

The truth is that we all have gifts and qualities that have been given to us, sometimes it just takes a while to realize them. We may discover our gifts, or fine-tune them, and realize that they have changed us, or changed our thinking, in some way. Our voice may change from alto to soprano. We may want to sing out with those gifts, even if it means that other people may not be immediately happy with our melody. That just means that we may have to help them to understand the reasons why our voice has changed. Once we are able to understand the things that we don’t, the fear of the “unknown” or the “uncertain” diminishes.

Be patient. Have faith. Don your Kevlar and fasten it securely. Sing with your God-given voice in whatever range it may be. The choir will adjust and sing on, your voice will find its part, and the song will be beautiful.