Another View From A Glass House : Breaking Patterns and Keeping It Real (K.Blais)

A pattern is a pattern is a pattern is a pattern…

Last week I shared with you, dear readers, the view from a glass house in a hypocritical world, and yes, maybe I went on a bit of a rant. I’ve done a lot of thinking and re-thinking about patterns of behaviour this past week, and I think I’ve come up with a 5-step process for identifying patterns and activating change. (Once again, I’m not sitting in an Ivory Tower here as I’m actually quite afraid of heights. I’m not on any pedestal either – I’ve never been accused of being delicate. Nor am I throwing stones as I prefer to throw words around, in all honesty. This is simply yet another view from a glass house and I’m just Keeping It Real, again.)

Here are my thoughts:

Step 1 : Identify the Pattern and Its Roots.

Is the pattern positive or negative?
If it’s a positive behavioural pattern – does it improve my life and benefit me and my loved ones? If yes, then I should continue the pattern of behaviour, keeping in mind that if it ever becomes negative then I need to follow the next substeps.

If the pattern is negative – is it interfering with relationships I have with others, my happiness, or my self-confidence? Do I find myself in similar situations as I continue throughout my life? Do I often feel frustrated with “the cards dealt to me”? Do I often feel life is unfair? Do I continue to make decisions quickly (without much thought) simply because that’s the easiest route?

I need to examine where the pattern originates from. Is it rooted internally – in my own desires? Or does it have external motives – am I behaving in such a way to please or impress others, to upset others or to keep them from being upset with me, or for some other external reason? Knowing where my pattern originates from will help me begin to follow Step 2.

Step 2 : Walk Away From Wallowing

I’ve acknowledged the negative pattern and identified its root, now I need to move on and walk away from wallowing in self-pity. I need to let things rest. Sometimes I might be tempted to fixate on the small stuff because it’s easier to deal with than the larger issues. I may overanalyze and stew on the little things instead of tackling the bigger issues. There is some comfort in wallowing, especially if the wallowing is itself part of my pattern. I need to step out of the “wallow comfort zone” and realize that all actions have consequences; if I’ve made bad choices then I need to acknowledge those bad choices and move on with the intention of choosing more wisely next time. Two of the most powerful words are “I am”, because what you put after them shapes your future (I borrowed that from somewhere…). What I think, I am. I will not feel sorry for myself – I will suck it up, re-direct my energy, and move forward to Step 3.

Step 3 : Focus On Today

Acknowledge the past and move forward. I can’t change the past – what’s done is done. I can apologize, if necessary, and make amends, but I can’t change the events that have taken place. If I am stressed about something that has happened, I need to give it a reasonable amount of “air time” and then move on. I need to leave the past in the past, along with its stress and negativities. When I acknowledge my own feelings and then move forward, I am able to keep my next steps clear in my mind. My mind will not be cluttered with garbage from yesterday. I will forgive myself or others for yesterday, but today I will remember in order to learn from my mistakes.

Step 4 : Learn New Tricks

“I’m too old to change.”
“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”

HOGWASH! I CAN train myself to break out of my old habits and patterns. I CAN make conscious decisions that won’t lead to broken promises and continuous lamentations about life gone wrong. I CAN improve my lifestyle, win back my integrity, and earn back the respect (self and from others) that I deserve. I CAN initiate change. All that is required of me is AMBITION and the DESIRE TO CHANGE.

Step 5 : Shut Up and Just Do It

Talk is cheap. I can talk about it all I want, but if I make no moves and no efforts to actually initiate the change in my behaviour patterns then that’s all I am – one cheap talker. If I make more false promises and continue my lamentations, then no one is going to believe my intentions were honourable to begin with. I can’t be lazy about change. I deserve more than that. But, if I fall down and acknowledge my fall, I CAN get back up again. At this point, I need to stop talking about how I want to change, and work towards the actual change itself. I just need to take the first step.

No one ever said change would be easy. Breaking patterns of behaviour which have been years in the making is no small task. In fact, it’s probably going to be hard – most things that are worth it, are. Some behaviour patterns have been with us since a very young age and may be ingrained in us quite deeply. I firmly believe, though, that behaviours can be modified, that patterns can change their direction, and that new roads can be taken no matter which path has been chosen.

Robert Frost said in his poem “The Road Not Taken” :

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Let’s not waste time or energy in regretting choices made. Let’s not look back and attribute blame to the events in our lives or make more meaning of things than they deserve. The easy road is not always the best road. Change takes time, patterns can be broken, and anything is possible as long as you believe that it is.

At least that’s the view from this glass house.

(Dear Readers, Thank you again and again and again for your reads, comments, likes, and shares! We now have 16 different countries reading Writing For The Love Of It! Please don’t forget to like our Facebook page, Writing For The Love of It. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Love, ~ K ~ )

Ten Tangible Things That I Cannot Live Without (K.Blais)

It has been a stressful week, dear readers, so I decided that this blog will be a blog that’s a fun one!

Ten things that I cannot (rather, choose not) to live without:
(They appear, after the first, in no particular order)

1) The three ‘Fs’ : Faith, Family, and Friends. These three things (ok, big groups of things), keep me centered, grounded, and on the straight path in life. My faith anchors me in the good times and bad and is the true stronghold of my life. My family gives me unconditional love and strength when I am weak. My friends are the chocolate chips in the cookie jar of life. I don’t know where I’d be without any of my ‘F’s.

2) My iPhone : In more general terms, technology. My iPhone is my direct line of communication with most people whether it be email, text messaging, or calling. I also use my phone for research, blogging, photography, gaming, and recording. It’s become an invaluable, timesaving (and yes at times, time wasting) tool. My laptop falls into this category too, as it is my preferred instrument for writing and blogging.

3) My glasses : Yes, I desperately need them to see. Seeing is NOT overrated as some may joke. Also, being without one’s glasses is not the same as being intoxicated. Just saying…
My glasses also add character to my face and are the finishing touches to any outfit. (That’s what I tell myself anyway.)

4) My car : The one thing that I seriously don’t want to be messed with is my means of transportation. I strongly dislike being inconvenienced in any way when it comes to getting to and from places I need / want to be. My preferred method of transport is my car. When I am without it, whether it be because it needs servicing, my husband needs (?) it, or some other life-changing event happens, I am NOT a happy traveller. If I’m travelling at all, that is. I rely on the independence of getting to and from places in the happy freedom of my Ford Flex.

5) Deodorant (aka anti-perspirant) : Seriously. I cannot live without deodorant. I know this. Deodorant was, by far, one of the best inventions, EVER. I rely on it every single day, and usually more than once. I think it should be on everyone’s list, to be perfectly honest, and if it isn’t, consider it. Please.

6) Coffee : Once again, seriously. Let’s put it this way — you do NOT want to encounter me on a no-coffee day. I start EVERY day with coffee. In fact, every day does not start UNTIL there’s coffee. Very rarely do I ever turn down coffee. Coffee is the second best invention, EVER. Trust me. You know the saying, “for instant human – add coffee”? That was written for me. (In my world it was anyway.)

7) Water : Yes, we need it to survive, but it is also something that I choose not to live without. Water is a staple of my everyday routine and diet. I drink bottles and bottles of it daily. It helps me to think clearly and function properly. Water cleanses impurities from my system and promotes good health. I also love the emotional healing aspects of water. The therapy of a hot bath, the relaxation of soaking in a hot tub, the stress relief of a hot (or cold) shower, the sound of rushing water, and the soothing sensation of simply being near water are pleasures that I truly enjoy. In thinking about water, I realized that I have lived by or near bodies of water my entire life. I think my soul has sought out water since I left my mother’s womb. (I don’t follow astrology or read horoscopes, but I know I’m not a water sign. Weird, huh?)

8) Fresh Air : Another given. We need air in order to survive, but I choose to breathe fresh air daily. Air, like water, cleanses and heals my well-being and soul. There is nothing more calming than getting a “breath of fresh air”. The term, “take a breather” was coined with this in mind, I’m sure. I’m not completely comfortable until I am near a window with air circulating around me. Wide open spaces work really well with me too. And, don’t get me started on the wind blowing through my hair…

9) Books : Having an Honours degree in English Literature and loving books? Yeah, no big surprise there. I choose to surround myself with books daily. Our shelves are lined with books at home. Even with the invention of the e Reader, Kobo, and iBooks, (and my love of technology), I still prefer to hold a book in my hands. There is something satisfying about turning the pages of a book, picking it up, putting it down, and sharing a well-worn copy with friends. I also love libraries. I’m one of those people who love the “old book smell”. I will walk through shelves and shelves of books in my local library just breathing and browsing. I love spines of books, covers of books, book jackets, and even endnotes. I love reading. I love writing. I love books.

10) This Blog and My Readers : Truth – Once the idea was suggested to me, I had to talk myself into becoming a blogger. Reality – I LOVE BLOGGING. Blogging has become an integral part of my writing journey. Through blogging I clarify my thought processes and continue to learn a lot about myself and others. I have become a master researcher (read: legend in my own mind). I love making connections between facts and feelings and then writing about them. I am so appreciative of you, my readers, who take the time to read, comment, like, and share my blogs. Without you, this blog is just words written on “a topnotch wordpress.com site”. It’s like the tree falling in the forest… If no one is around, does it make a sound? Words are just words until they are read and appreciated.

What would your list look like?

(Dear Readers : Our appearance theme has changed on this site (in case you haven’t noticed)! What do you think? We would love your feedback. As well, we are on a quest and need your help! Please share this blog and have your friends like Writing For The Love of It on facebook. The goal is to have 250 likes by the end of the month! Can we do it? YES WE CAN! We now have readers in 14 countries. Thank you for the love! Yours in the love of words, ~ K ~)

More Than A Bird… More Than A Plane : Superman’s Dream

This week’s blog idea came to life with help from a few different sources. Over Christmas and beginning the New Year, we spent a fair amount of time with guests in our home. A dear friend commented to me, “I don’t know how you do it – I saw you being everything to everyone and I was exhausted just watching you.” In response, I just sort of laughed, and said, “That’s just the way I am.” But, in all honesty, I was completely exhausted by the time we rang in 2013.

Last evening, although still tired, and, to be honest, having limited stimulation to the brain neurons occurring, I realized, with a start, that I didn’t even have a blog topic for this week. Panicked, I couldn’t even find my spiral notebook (a.k.a. my brain on most days) in which I jot down thoughts and ideas as they randomly come to me. I had nothing, no previously thought of oh-wow-I’m-so-clever ideas, to fall back on. Still in panic mode, I texted my “W”: my kindred spirit, my go-to-gal, my help in time of need (and, to be honest, sometimes I’m a lot of work!).

I need your help. I need some blog ideas.

Before long, “W” was firing back to me a list of ideas that she had immediately brainstormed, and they were great. (I’ll definitely be revisiting that list in the future.) In the midst of this, a song came on during a movie that my family was watching in the other room. Intrigued, I listened intently and grabbed my phone to Shazam it. (Who doesn’t love Shazam?!)

Superman (It’s Not Easy) by Five for Fighting (click to see video!)

I realized that not only was this a lovely melody, it was also a song about Superman dreaming to be something more (or less) than Superman. And, here, I realized, was my blog topic.

(photo courtesy of supermanfanart.com)

Why, in the world, would Superman (“the man of steel”, “faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound”) dream of being anything but himself? (information courtesy of http://www.wikipedia.com) But, in still pondering the question, I know the answer, and I can speculate that I know why Five for Fighting wrote the song: because, at one point in time or another, we all dream of being something or someone else, being more or being less.

First, let’s explore what I like to call the “Superman Status”. This is when, as my dear friend pointed out, we busy ourselves with being everything to everyone. The American cultural icon of Superman, and the Superman in the storylines, had the following abilities : superhuman strength, speed, stamina, invulnerability, freezing breath, super hearing, multiple extrasensory and vision powers, longevity, flight, intelligence, and regeneration. (information courtesy of http://www.wikipedia.com) Superman used his abilities to save people, and the world, on more than one occasion.

No human (that I’m aware of) has Superman’s abilities, yet, many of us try our hardest to be almost superhuman in various ways – taking on multiple roles, performing many jobs and duties, all the while multitasking in many aspects: solving problems, running crowd control, repairing fences, and ultimately expending ourselves with love and dedication to others. Some of us are even successful at doing these many tasks — but at what expense? We may burn out, exhaust ourselves, and still disappoint others by not living up to their expectations (perhaps because enough will never be enough and, sometimes, the more we do, the more is expected of us). Although we strive for, and sometimes achieve, “Superman Status”, it is possible that we might lose the desire (sooner or later) to be all of the things, to all of the people, all of the time. We may even dream of being less.

I believe Superman, himself, dreamed of being a normal, functioning human being in a present day society. He may have even, at times, cursed his superhero status. As Clark Kent, he constantly fought an inner battle to be true to himself, but yet to protect his secrets and keep the world safe. Certainly, he would’ve thought many times, “It’s not easy to be me”. He may have been like many of us, a tired individual, exhausted from living a double life and being so many things to so many people. I’ve even visualized him getting extremely frustrated with humanity, like Mr. Incredible in the movie The Incredibles (click to see trailer), shouting out, “I feel like the maid! I just cleaned up this mess! Can you keep it clean for, for ten minutes?!” Superman, like Mr. Incredible, may have felt defeated and felt like giving up on a world which, for the most part, lacked appreciation and gratitude.

Superman was lonely after the loss of his home world, Krypton, despite the fact that he was surrounded by his parents and many friends. Superman has even been criticized by other super heroes because “he identified with humanity too much”(information courtesy of http://www.wikipedia.com). Poor guy just couldn’t win. He even removed himself from the world for a while and stayed at the Ice Fortress in order to sort things through. Perhaps he was even looking for “special things inside of (him)”; things that didn’t scream ‘Superman’, but simply ‘man’.

I have sometimes wondered what life would be like if I cared less, did less, offered less, and was less available. Would I have more time for me (and would I feel guilty about that)? Would the new limitations of my contributions, of my work, and of my presence be noticed? Would someone else just simply (maybe even, finally) pick up the slack? Would I feel like I personally had accomplished more? Or less? Or would it feel like something vital was missing?

Perhaps it is important to consider that “the better part of me” is what we all should search for. We are more than just who and what we are to other people. We are more than who and what we are compared to other people. We can be less. We don’t have to be “all”. We don’t have to be “everything”.

To commence 2013 with fresh pages and new chapters to write, let’s start with a clean slate and focus on being who we truly are as individuals. Let’s try to remember that “(all) men weren’t meant to ride with clouds between their knees”. Not all of us will strive for (or achieve the status of) being “superheroes”, but as long as we allow ourselves “the right to bleed”, “the right to dream”, and the right “to be”, we will find the “special things inside (ourselves)” that allow each and every one of us to be the unique person we each call “me”.

(Dear Readers, A continued thank you for your reads, comments, likes, and shares! This week we welcomed Germany and Indonesia as readers of Writing For The Love Of It. If you haven’t added our facebook page, Writing For The Love of It on your list of facebook likes, please do! Yours, ~ K ~)

Let Light Shine Out Of Darkness

2012 has been an incredible year.

This has been a year of many gains, as well as setbacks. Some of us have leapt out of our comfort zones, we have realized who the heck we are and discovered we are be-you-tiful, and several of us have securely fastened our bulletproof vests. Many of us have created worlds, and our own monsters, and have battled them accordingly. We have chased the happy medium, however elusive the chase has been, and have realized that things will not always turn out the way we expect them to. But, there is a true reality when contemplating the year 2012 : everything turned out the way it was meant to.

Now, having said that, the world in 2012 and its events, have not always seemed fair, have they?

Devastating tragedies like in Newtown, Connecticut have occurred. We have wept for strangers. We have seen and read of many other devastating incidents in the world happening on a daily or weekly basis. More personally, we have wept for loved ones who have suffered loss and heartache, much of which we can’t even imagine. We have wept for babies who never got to see the love in their parents’ eyes. We have wept for children and others who have suffered, and may have even been taken from us and from this world. We have witnessed friends and family struggling with issues such as the loss or stress of a job, the deterioration of personal relationships, and even self – destruction due to substance or drug abuse, lack of confidence, and the like.

2012 has also been full of the unknown. The Mayans predicted the world would end. It didn’t (nothing like stating the obvious, I know), but many believed it might. In my opinion, the theory of “the end of the world” should be a wake-up call. We don’t know from one moment to the next how long our world in its entirety, or even in its parts, will stay completely intact. Each second we are given is a blessing. The rug can be ripped out from under us (figuratively and literally) on any given day. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Terror and destruction can erupt without notice. A world filled with light can become very dark.

For many of us, the end of 2012 is a chance for new beginnings. Some of us will set New Year Resolutions to follow a better diet and nutrition plan, to lose weight, to exercise more, to keep in closer contact with family and friends, to get and/or stay organized, to invest and save money, and the list goes on and on. In the past, I have made a New-Year’s-to-do-self-improvement list from year to year — and sometimes I have even been moderately successful at achieving (some of) my resolutions. This year, I personally don’t intend on setting any of these types of resolutions previously listed (not that there is anything wrong with setting them!) In 2013, I intend to let light shine out of the darkness.

Darkness can creep up on us. One minute the world can be shining brightly in all its glorious light, only to be doused in the next moment by grief, sadness, injury, illness, or torment. My friends, here’s a reality : bad things will happen. There is evil, as well as good, in the world. Since original sin entered the world, evil has been around us. Bad things will happen no matter how “good” the person. But, know this : adversity, and even despair, make us stronger people. It may not seem like it at the time, but every experience, good or bad, gives us an opportunity to grow in some way. Light can come out of the darkness. We need the bad days (and even the mediocre ones) to appreciate the good days.

Light can shine through the darkness. I believe that putting energy and resources into mental health and emotional wellness should be a priority in society today. Depression and mental illnesses are destructive. Bad things happen, not just because people have guns, but because there is loneliness, sadness, and emotional turmoil that many in the world are struggling with. It’s not just about making stricter laws and enforcing them – it’s about getting back to the basics of humanity : loving and caring for the well-being of our human race. We need to reach out to others. We need to listen, really listen with our whole heart, when people need someone to hear them. We need to trust our human, compassionate instincts and make ourselves available to someone, to anyone, who needs a friend. We need to look outside of ourselves, to take a peek out of our own little boxes, and realize that everyone’s perspective and perception is different. We need to understand that, (to quote a friend), “Things are rarely as they seem.” We need to judge less and lovingly lead by example. 

Shine for others. Be the beacon of light that draws someone’s ship to a safe shore. Be a friend, a role model, a confidante, even a stranger whose smile helped to brighten a rough day. Be a light to someone in the midst of their personal darkness. We are not going to be able to “fix” everything, or everyone, but sometimes just listening, giving a hug or offering some form of human touch and connection, and simply letting someone know that you care, can mean the difference between that person’s continuing to dwell in darkness and their ability to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

As 2012 draws to an end, let’s all make a resolution to let light shine out of darkness. Let’s make eye contact, smile, and say hello. Let’s say a kind word whenever we can. Let’s praise a job well done and look for the positive and the good as often as we are able to. Let’s search for answers, not lay blame. Let’s resolve to build each other up, not tear each other down. Let’s share our faith in a loving God and offer it as a comfort to others. The bad days are inevitable, but let’s anticipate the good ones. Dear friends, may we hold fast to the belief that light will continue to shine out of darkness.

Let your light shine in 2013 and always.

 

(Dear Readers, Thank you so much for your love and support in 2012. Your reads, likes, shares, and comments are a light that shines for me on the bright and dark days. I appreciate all of you! Shine brightly! Blessings to you in 2013 and always, ~ K ~)