Grace Under Fire (K.Blais)

(image courtesy of Google images)

I woke up this morning with a feeling of dread. To be completely honest it’s been a difficult week. Unfortunately I have found myself in situations where I or my family has been “put under fire” by random people whom I’ve encountered. I know that we all have off days, weeks, even months, and I am reminded of my blog post on perceptions, perspective and reality from over a year ago where I explored the idea that things are not always as they seem, but this week I have spent most of my time thinking about these negative and upsetting encounters and how, sometimes, we as humans can be real jerks.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I am not going to start bashing anyone or their behavior in this blog post, and I am certainly not saying that I am without fault myself. I know that I fit right into the statement which I just made because I can be a real jerk at times too. I like to think though that I try to live my life with dignity and respect for others, that I try very hard to see both sides of the story, and that I handle things in the best way that I can, keeping other people’s feelings in mind. As I have said before, I can say that I honestly try to live by the Golden Rule, to treat others how I would want to be treated and, at the risk of completely patting myself on the back, I believe that I do this pretty successfully, most of the time. However, I can’t speak for others and whether humanity as a whole does the same because up until today my experiences this week have lead me to believe that there are many people who do not give a crap about how others feel.

BUT… rather than focus on those negative experiences and how I’ve questioned why people do what they do, why they decide to say hurtful things when it is completely unnecessary, and why they persist in continuing to verbally “attack” even when politely confronted, I’m going to focus on today and how one simple, kind act made me smile and restored my faith in the kindness of humanity.

It wasn’t a big thing that happened this morning. It wasn’t even that it cost anyone much time, money, or energy to do. What made the most impact on this kind act was that someone thought about me today and did one kind thing to make my day easier and better just because. I am tearing up just thinking about it because today someone made me feel like I was in their thoughts and that my feelings mattered.

This one simple act of kindness has helped to begin to erase the other incidents of ‘attack’ this week. The simple fact that someone would do a thoughtful deed with no self benefit has made me realize that there is still kindness in the hearts of random people.

Many of us have heard about the trends of Random Acts of Kindness (see www.randomactsofkindness.org) and Paying It Forward (see www.pifexperience.org), but how many of us have actually taken the time to do something kind or to pay kindness forward? A random act of kindness is defined as a selfless act performed by a person or people wishing to assist or cheer up an individual person or people (Wikipedia.org). How many of us can actually say that we do kind things without thinking about how it might benefit us at some point in return?

Kindness does not have to be about doing things for others. Kindness can be about staying quiet when you have nothing nice to say, not repeating things that you hear because those words would be hurtful to someone else, and encouraging others to do the same. Kindness is about remembering that others have feelings and that words can cut deeper than a knife. Harsh words may linger and hurt more and longer than you realize and they may affect others more greatly than you know. It only takes a moment to stop and think before you speak or react to something someone else has said. In that moment you can save someone a lot of hurt.

As much as I would love for every one to read this and that suddenly the world might become a kinder place, I realize that this likely isn’t going to happen. So among the many lessons which I have learned this week is that I need to accept that there are people that enjoy negativity and look for opportunities to create conflict. It will depend on how I handle those situations which will determine the outcome of those occurrences. I have learned that there are people who find pleasure in making others feel inadequate and insecure and will say things to attack another’s personality, character, and even their family, but those things may be said out of insecurities and inadequacies of their own. I have also learned that there are still people who are kind and enjoy doing kind things for no other reason other than to just be kind. I have learned to be grateful for those random acts of kindness and the amount of happiness that they can bring to the day.

Perhaps the greatest lesson I have learned is that I can demonstrate fortitude (thank you, J) and grace under fire in handling situations where people are unkind and that proves the strength of MY character and MY resilience in handling adversity. I can show kindness to others, even when it is not shown to me, because, at the end of the week, I am the one who needs to look in the mirror and say that I handled each day, good or bad, in the best way that I could. That is ultimately what needs to be remembered.

 

Know When To Hold ‘Em, Know When To Fold ‘Em (K. Blais)

I am probably baring my country bumpkin roots here, but I grew up listening to songs like Kenny Rogers’ The Gambler. My dad would often play similar old country songs in our Oldsmobile as we shuttled from one activity or destination to the next. I grew to learn the songs by heart and, even to this day, some have stuck with me more than others.

“The Gambler” in particular has left a lasting impression on me. Not that I have ever been overly intrigued by gambling, poker games, or the like, but the words of simplicity, yet complex wisdom, which came to Kenny from the gambler that night on the train have remained with me. I still sing them occasionally in the shower.

While I don’t know a whole lot about gambling, I do believe that the Gambler was speaking of a lot more than just a card game. I believe that his words were more about life in general rather than any game of poker which he may have played:

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em,

Know when to fold ’em,

Know when to walk away.

Know when to run.

You never count your money when you’re sitting at the table,

There’ll be time enough for counting,

When the dealing’s done.”

Even at a young age I realized that the Gambler had seen some hard times in his life. He may have been knocked around and his life most likely had not been easy. But, I remember always thinking that he must also have had a lot of courage. The Gambler would have had to be brave and pretty smart. The intelligence of knowing when to “hold ’em” and when to “fold ’em” must only come from the experience of living both experiences and having suffered the consequences of each. And it takes courage to share the knowledge from those experiences with others as well.

Courage is not an easy thing to come by even today. It takes courage to do many things in our lives, and for some of us, the things that require courage for us personally are different than those which require courage for others. Courage may be needed for the big things, but also for the little things in life and, guaranteed, those things are different for each of us.

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em.”

It takes courage to speak your mind and to stand up for what you believe in.

It takes courage to hold onto your goals and to advance confidently in the direction of your dreams.

It takes courage to try again when you fail and to get back up when you fall down.

It takes courage to admit your weaknesses as well as your strengths.

“You’ve got to know when to fold ’em.”

It takes courage to say enough is enough, to put an end to destructive behavior, and to start over.

It takes courage to say no and to also say goodbye.

It takes courage to remove ourselves from those things which are not good for us whether they be habits, situations, or people.

It takes courage to initiate change in your own life as well as to be the change that you want to see in the world.

It’s also important to “know when to walk away” from the things that are hurtful to us and to “know when to run” from them as well (as in, don’t give them a second thought). It takes courage to realize that there are things or people which we are better off not having in any capacity in our lives.

Courage is also about being grateful for what we have and showing the appreciation for those elements and people who we are blessed with. While the Gambler advises “never count your money when you’re sitting at the table”, we should be grateful for all that we have been blessed with “when the dealing’s done”. Blessings come in various forms, shapes, and sizes and are all around us. Sometimes we just need to open our eyes to them.

Courage isn’t about proving you are the best and the bravest. Courage is making the choices which are the bravest and best for each one of us individually in our own situations and in our own time.

(photo courtesy of wikihow.com)

When My World Grinds To A Halt (K.Blais)

(image courtesy of Google images)

Being sick for the majority of the week, and my daughter having been sick for almost two weeks, has really made me step back, appreciate, and realize some things.

I am not a machine; eventually I break down when I push myself for too long and too hard. Not getting enough sleep, taking on too much, and not taking time to relax and rejuvenate are my three biggest crimes. Add to that not ensuring that I’m eating properly (even though I make sure my family does) and I gradually start to fall apart. At that point I’m forced to literally stop everything I’m doing and rest in order to get well, otherwise it takes a whole lot longer. (I know this from experience.)

Health is extremely important and should be appreciated each and every day. I have to admit that this is something which I often forget to do. There is no substitute for a well-balanced meal, a good night’s sleep, and positive emotional health. These things are vital to maintaining wellness. While I am diligent that these concepts are an integral part of my family’s lifestyle, they are also the components which I let slide for my own life. I have a tendency to ‘burn the candle at both ends’ by staying up late to complete tasks and getting up early only to jump on the hamster wheel once again. Skipping meals or grabbing something quick in order to save time has also become a not-so-great habit.

When my kids are sick it is worse than when I am sick. Being sick is awful, but when your child is sick and nothing seems to be helping is even more awful. Even the cold or flu can send a worrisome mother (or father) over the edge with frustration and anxiety, especially when your child has it for what seems to be a long time. My world, as I know it, seems to be put on pause, to hold its breath if I may, as my thoughts center around the health of my child and the hopes and prayers that the fever will break, the congestion will cease, and that she will soon be back to her spitfire self. It’s hard to think of much else, even when so much else demands my time and attention, including becoming sick myself.

During illness, things which seemed to be so important become less and less important. I hate to have my daughter miss her skating and skiing lessons. I am so afraid that she will miss out on some important new skill or that she will miss her evaluation time and not be put ahead into her next level, even that she will fall behind her peers. The same goes for my son – I dislike him missing hockey or snowboarding for fear that he will miss out on something important or that he will let down his team by not being there. Sometimes I forget that my kids are still kids, that they are going to get sick, and that they will need time to rest and recover the same way that I forget about that for myself. When I am not well I realize that things that seemed of utmost importance actually can wait, they don’t need to be addressed right now, and that they can even be left to slide a little (gasp!).

Unfortunately though, as adults, while our own world may seem to grind to a halt when we are sick, the real world keeps going on around us. The bills still need to be paid, the laundry continues to pile up, and the housework doesn’t magically go away. Groceries need to be purchased, meals need to be made, and lunches need to be packed. If there didn’t seem to be enough hours in the day to accomplish all of those things while feeling well, there definitely doesn’t feel like enough time to get them all done when you lack energy from being sick. So begins the vicious cycle of “catch up”.

While many of us can freely call in sick to work, it seems impossible to take ‘sick leave’ from the world. The world does not seem to have a compassionate employer who reassures us that our health is most important and to feel better before taking on our responsibilities again. No, the world can often seem like a slave driver, pushing and pushing and pushing us to complete the things we are required to do and nagging at us when those things go unfinished. Even when we are beaten down, the world continues to beat on us to continue on.

My world does grind to a halt occasionally. A couple of times a year I am forced to succumb to the fact that I am sick and that I need to rest. At those times I am reminded that I am only human, that my weakness is normal, and that I need to stop and refocus on my own health and wellness. The real world will continue on, maybe even nagging, wagging its finger at me, but my own world can be put on hold for a bit – it is allowed and it is completely ok to take a break. There will be other days, some better than others, and life will continue on, its wheels in motion to get my world up and running again in no time.

Burning Bridges (K.Blais)

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. (David Russell)

Burning bridges: the act of eliminating all possibility of return or retreat. (www.urbandictionary.com)

(photo courtesy of flickr.com)

How many of us have burned a bridge or two in our lifetime?

Burning bridges may happen intentionally or unintentionally, as with most things in our lives. We make decisions and choices every day; even inaction is a choice. Sometimes decisions are made for us as well. How we choose to handle the situations and circumstances in which we find ourselves often are conscious, intentional actions. One of those decisive actions may be to burn a metaphorical bridge, eliminating our connection to someone, something, or some event which has hurt us and/or which we no longer wish to be associated with.

There are times when burning a bridge is necessary to the emotional or physical health (or both) of the individual. Burning a bridge can be an act of self-preservation from a person, people, or situation which continues to hurt, disrespect, or damage our well being. If someone continues to hurt us or no longer represents positivity in our life, burning the bridge, destroying our ties and connections to him or her may be the route that must be taken. On the other hand, if we find ourselves repeatedly hurting (intentionally or unintentionally) someone else, we may choose to burn our bridge to them in order to prevent us from continuing to make them feel less than adequate.

At times, we burn bridges unintentionally with our actions, miscommunications, and shortcomings. We may unknowingly hurt someone causing a relationship to be destroyed and ruined; a bridge burned beyond repair. The spark which lights the burned bridge is often a seemingly unforgiveable hurt or action, or may also be a throwing in the towel, a discontinuation of our efforts. There are times when we just feel that we can no longer continue in the direction of the hurt; travelling the bridge becomes unbearable. The bridge needs to be burned so that we no longer can cross it, further putting ourselves in harm’s way.

Burning a bridge can also prevent us from coming back to a place we never should have been to begin with. We may attempt to rebuild that same bridge, but oftentimes we realize that the structural foundation, the strength at the base of the bridge, can never be completely trusted again because of the damage which it has sustained. What’s important to remember is that when one bridge burns we need to keep building new ones to new positive experiences and to people who truly care about us. A wise friend once likened burning a bridge to a forest fire. The fire ravages, but it also gets rid of the dead life and decaying undergrowth allowing for a whole new and fresh beginning.

Burning bridges can allow us to see with clarity and come to the realization that things do not have to continue in the direction in which they are headed. We have choices. We write the chapters in our own books. The reality is that not all friendships, relationships, and people in our lives are good for us. We need to make decisions which are best for us, for our health, and for our loved ones. There are moments when those decisions clearly mean cutting ties.

We also need to be careful and to not be too hasty in striking the match and setting the bridge on fire. Sometimes the bridges we burn today are the ones we need to cross tomorrow. It is a chance we take, I suppose, but it is probably best to only make the decision to burn a bridge after careful consideration and deliberate thought.

While some may feel that the idea of burning bridges is harsh, it is clear to me that putting up with garbage behavior can be the more destructive alternative. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity and, if we aren’t, then we need to seriously ask ourselves if that bridge needs to be crossed or if we should let it burn.

Sometimes you get the best light from a burning bridge. (Don Henley)