Without any preamble, or mincing words, I will not hesitate to tell you that I have seriously considered throwing in the towel more than once this week. I have lost count of how many times I have felt that many of things that I take pride in doing are being done in vain. Please note: I don’t do these things for recognition, or even for the validation from others, but sometimes getting a little, just a little bit of credit would be nice.
Even writing has been a challenge. I have not had too many experiences with writer’s block, (those who know me know that I am not too often at a loss for words), but I now know what it is like to stare at a computer screen, to will the thoughts to come to my head, to urge them to flow through my fingers, and to get… nothing. Fine time for a block to hit when I am half way through a writing challenge, huh?
Perhaps many of us experience times where we feel we are being “tested”. Every single thing we may try to do may seem difficult, a huge undertaking. We may feel like we are trying, really trying, only to get crapped on, stomped down, and “put in our place”. We may wonder why it is that we are even trying anymore.
On a personal note, the feeling of inadequacy is huge for me when I think about my writing. With so many great, published writers out there, how can I call myself one? Does being moderately smart and able to put words together somewhat nicely into sentences make me a writer?
I was feeling that way a lot this week and was doing a lot of thinking about where I have been directing my energy. I haven’t come to any conclusions, or solved any of my issues with stress, time, and being too hard on myself. I often wonder if I take on too much, if I try to do too many things, and then end up doing few or none of them well. I’m not going to lie… When things seem too hard, or I can’t do them “well enough”, I’m tempted to let things go. Then I remembered this poem:
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow –
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
Whe he might have captured the victor’s cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out –
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit –
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.
Readers, please know that we all feel weak at times, even those of us who appear to be strong. Those of us who seem to be confident and self-assured even have those moments (days, weeks, months) where we feel hesitant and insecure. We all stumble and we all fall. It’s the getting back up that’s the challenge some days. But, we are all capable.
I still have doubts, and I have my days where I wonder if it makes any sense at all: the struggles with time, the tiredness, the feeling of being beaten down and “crapped” on, the concept of being “done with it all”, but I think that maybe, just maybe, I might be finding my drive again. I may just actually have the thoughts flowing freely from my heart to my head to my fingers again. I may just be getting my groove back. It may not be Stella-style (love that movie!), but it will definitely be a groove all my own.
Dear Readers (and Myself), these are words to remember: “So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit – It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.”